breathing

Warning Signs:
1. The strange sensation of time slowing down
2. Your breath resonating inside your head

I am eight years old sitting on the edge of my bed. I am in the middle of tying my shoes when I realize I have forgotten how to do go about it. I hold the two laces in my hands and look at them curiously. They are unrecognizable objects. The sound of the waterfall returns, only this time I know what is happening; this is the sound my body makes as it tries to breathe.

first memories include getting her foot stuck in a paint can, her mothers finger caught under the garage door, sitting adult like on a stool in a coffee shop, taking cotton from the display case in j.c. pennys, moist worms on the driveway after a rain, eating canned fruit out of a tiny tupperware container, taking the volkswagen up vinegar hill, her third birthday party and the huge easter bunny, hitting the piñata with a baseball bat. she dreams about a cartoon taxicab trying to kidnap her while her mother dresses for work in the pitch black of 5:00am. she wakes up crying.

I am staring into the toilet bowl, my heart pounding, getting ready to run quickly but quietly just as soon as I have pushed the lever. I am trying not to get caught flushing the toilet. I have been told me repeatedly that it makes too much noise at night, but I can’t seem to leave the bathroom without doing it. It doesn’t feel right not to flush. So I do it anyway and then dart back to my bedroom before anyone can intercept me.

the girl on the trailer park swing set has the same first name as i do. and the same middle name, which is unusual because my name is hedda. we are both four years old. we have the same birthday too. her last name is different than mine, but it starts with the same letter which means both of our initials are H.L.L. we make wary friends and decide to ride bikes together. around and around the dirt road loop we go.

The toilet flushes. I am on my stomach, my cheek pressed hard against cold tile. There is the sound of rushing water; the waterfall emptying into a pool. I listen closely for something familiar. I can’t tell if my eyes are opened or closed, only that everything is dark. “Are you trying to be funny? C’mon, knock it off. You’ll wake the whole house up.” My dad grabs me by the arms and pulls me up off the floor. My body is limp and heavy; he carries me like a potato sack down the hallway and back into bed.

the 1st time i had the wind knocked out of me: i fall from the monkey bars and land flat on my back.
the 2nd time: scott the red haired boy tells my best friend she has nigger lips.
the 3rd time: similar to the first, except i am sledding and someone double dares me.
the 4th time: my retarded brother punches me in the stomach, and i laugh before i cry.

The next day as I am getting ready for school, I hallucinate zoo animals walking single file around my house. As my father stands there in the kitchen with the car keys in his hand, I have the feeling that something very bad is going to happen.